I’d like to start by saying that I feel absolutely terrible about how long it has been since I’ve sat down to write on this blog. This was supposed to be something I committed myself to at least once a month, and yet, here we are. But, it’s never too late to try and make a new commitment to myself. Maybe I’ll try my hand at this again, except this time I’ll put a monthly reminder into my phone – by holding myself accountable with a more visible reminder, I’m probably more likely to guilt myself into writing haha. That aside, I hope to talk through a pretty important thing I’ve been experiencing in recent days but haven’t really been able to explain appropriately to the people I love – you all read these blog posts anyway, so I hope my reactions to things will start to make a bit more sense after this.
In recent months, I have been experiencing a lot more anger than I might have done throughout my entire lifetime and it all boils down to the same thing – the absence of love (or compassion, it depends how you define love for yourself). Being the person that I am with the traits that I possess, I have chosen to internalise all of this and express it in a way that is toxic only for myself, and truth be told, it has been horrendous.
I come from a home of slammed doors, clenched jaws, tight fists, and bated breath. I have spent a near 23 years waiting for the muted rage that runs through all of our veins to settle and yet, here I am, slamming my own knuckles against the wall when I feel overwhelmed or suffocated by the feelings that pulse in my every nerve ending. But this, this has got to end. And it has to start with myself. There is not a single soul in the world who can choose to put the anger and sadness down, but myself.
Through my friends and loved ones, I have learnt that there is no place for pettiness or passive aggressiveness. I can either own up to my feelings and ride them out, or just let them go. And that, in the past month, is what I have been choosing to do. There are so many little things that, if I let them, could really tick me off, but I have been choosing to put all my aggression down and just let it go. I have been actively choosing softness in moments that could warrant my anger, and it has been the most incredible feeling. I am less worked up about the people and situations I’m in because I either a) just don’t care, or b) care enough not to mess something up with an unwarranted response.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say in my incredibly waffly and long-winded way is that, I need to work on the way that I choose to react to the things that I feel. Instead of internalising things and taking it out on myself, I need to choose appropriate coping mechanisms which help me see the softness that can exist within me even on a bad day. I need to choose love before anything else; love, in its every form, has always got me through, and is what will continue to do so for all my years to come.
To the people who lend me their shoulder on the days that I am feeling least like myself, I am eternally grateful.
To the people who show me softness even in the face of my muted anger, I have a gentle love for you that knows no bounds.
To the people who make me show up even when I am at my worst, I am indebted to you.
But most of all, to all of you for always seeing me through, thank you.