For years, I have convinced myself that there is still time. There is time to read that book I love. There is time to pray those prayers. There is time to sort that argument. There is time to let go of that grudge. There is time. In my head, there is always time. But the truth is, there isn't.
Life is insane, and it's crazy, and it throws things at you that you never even thought of in your wildest dreams, but you know what? It's still pretty dang great. The entire art of living is not knowing what you're doing but doing it anyway because, well, you can.
For a long time, I let myself be closed off to love and people who I felt were my world because the truth is, I didn't feel deserving of a good love. I refused to let myself believe that I was worthy of good and that the people who love me do so regardless of how good or bad I think myself to be. But this, this was probably one of my life's greatest mistakes.
But, here's the thing about sadness that nobody ever tells you: it is not linear, but neither are you. Like all things in life, it will come and go, and more often not, you will have literally no control over it.
Excerpts from my journal: I felt a wave of calm being swept over me. A moment of stillness to wash away all the fear and the worry that had settled into my bones. For the first time, I was stepping into the unknown without the fear of chaos.
I come from a home of slammed doors, clenched jaws, tight fists, and bated breath. I have spent a near 23 years waiting for the muted rage that runs through all of our veins to settle and yet, here we are, still slamming knuckles against the wall.
Life becomes worth living only when you are willing to liberate yourself from the chains of your own heart and mind.
You will never have to be 'man enough' for anybody.
A letter to my future daughter: you are already enough.